Through all my journeys in life, I am still shackled to my fear.  Yes, my dear friends, I have fear, and my fear is just as debilitating. We all have different paths, which mean we all have different levels of fear. Not one is any less important than another. Each of us deals with our fear in different ways. Regardless of how we deal with them, we can not become a victim to them. Avoidance does not make the big bad wolf go away…the big bad wolf gets angrier. The big bad wolf only leaves when we slay him. I have slain many over the years; however, right now, in this moment, I’m not sure if I know how to slay this one.

My avoidance, my fear, is living my life without my office job. The security of that stable income is what many might think and that may be a part of it. The other part is the ball and chain that has been created at this job. A dependency on me to resolve all the issues of the business, the employees, my boss’ life, the clients, cleaning up all the messes, and a million other burdens that I created. Yes, I take full responsibility for the creation of this wolf. I enjoy taking care of people. It is what I do best, but it doesn’t work when you are drowning with a 50lb weight attached to your ankle. That has been my life for the past 8 years.

I’m sure I created that dependency because I needed to feel better about myself. If I was needed, then I was loved, I was somebody special, I was frickin’ important. But, I didn’t need all that to be loved or special or important. I already was and couldn’t see through the smoke filled room to see the wolf hiding in the corner waiting for its time to strike. Maybe at that time I didn’t want to see through the smoke. I just covered it up with a pack of Marlboro Lights and Jack Daniels.

Now the smoke has cleared and I have changed my approach to life and myself. I strive to empower people on their journey. I accept whatever their journey may be. I understand my boundaries and love who I have become. I stay in the moment with an excitement for the future. Unfortunately, I find this a struggle with my office job and here I am face to face with my wolf. He is a damn angry wolf. He really didn’t like to be avoided.

I want to fight the battle to slay my wolf, and yet I don’t know where to start. I’m so confused and lost on what I am suppose to do. I created this wolf and have no idea on how to slay him. I made a decision that felt was the right one a few weeks ago. It felt like I was taking a step at slaying my wolf when in reality it was another way to avoid. He stepped right and I ran for the door into the comfort of my fantasy land.

I’m not sure where to go from here. Although, I don’t think you ever know how to start. At least I am now aware. I always say awareness is half the battle. Once you are aware you can make changes. It’s like the Matrix…you can stay a drone, but once you choose to wake up there is no turning back. I can slay my wolf as I have many before him. I’m just not sure how many war wounds I will leave with. Blood has already been lost in the battle and more will be spilled. However, death of the life I desire is the alternative if I choose not to fight. The hope of healing into the life that was meant for me is my motivation.

Somewhere between waking and walking out into the so called real world we put on our mask.  We get up, get dressed, groomed, eat breakfast, and head out the door.  The person who walks out the door is not the same person who wakes up.  Some of us are the sexy French maid or the clown with the squeaky shoes or the cheerleader or the grim reaper all hiding our truths from the other French maids, clowns, cheerleaders, and reapers.  We never allow the other masks to see who we really are.  And if we do show the other masks, we only take off one layer because nakedness is shameful to the soul. 

But, what if nakedness is not shameful to the soul?  What if nakedness is freedom into dancing with the moon?  The mask then holds us from truly finding the freedom and happiness that is rightly ours.  Held back because we all wear the mask of what the real world supposedly tells us is freedom; a real world that only exists in our own creation of conformity.

We choose to put the mask on everyday.  We choose who sees beyond the layers and what layers they see.  But how many of us truly revel in our nakedness?  Who really shows the other masks that you are like them curious and searching for more?  That you search for the freedom that they do.  

Ahhh, but the masks say they are afraid to be hurt.  Yes, masks I see and feel your fear.  However, do you not hurt now?  Are you not subjected to standards even with your mask of protection?  To try nakedness is not to cause you more pain because the pain already exists.  It is to shine in the brilliance that you hide from those around you.

Some masks may shun you, but those are the masks already causing you pain.  Just maybe those masks want to find that freedom, but can’t find the strength to take the step you do.  It is easier to shun than to dance in your nakedness.  As your brilliance shines more, those painful masks will exit while a flock of nakedness will support you and love your brilliance as it is, completely unmasked.

Yes, my masks this is a struggle to completely open to your nakedness.  But, we will start slowly.  Layer by layer release the mask you have created.  It may take years, but that doesn’t matter.  The naked people see beyond the layers waiting for you to shine.  They too have gone through the process and wait patiently until you are ready to release the last layer. 

It is time for a mask revolt.  Come masks and shed your layers with me so we can one day dance in our nakedness with the moon.